Unicorns Don't Exist... EDITED

One day, when I was stalking Jawaballs - and yes, many of my stories start that way now, just like many of my stories used to start with, "I was drunk in a bar somewhere..." when I was in my twenties - I heard described the mythic Unicorn...

...a female of the species, with what can only be described as a genetic abnormality, for you see she liked wargames and appreciated the hobby.

Normally when a girl pretends interest in gaming, it is because she likes a boy and is desperately trying to get him to notice she has breasts.  Eventually, the boy will look up from his cards and realize she smells much nicer than the other gamers in the room, most of whom are letting loose with Sonic-value-meal-and-2-liter-Coke farts and trying to blame it on their opponent.

Yes, that's why the air smells stale in your average game store.  Hopefully you, too, are an upper-echelon geek, so such things as intercourse and personal hygiene aren't mysteries.

My ex-whore could stop the conversation cold by walking into the favorite local game store.  My current lovely wife has more sense and leaves me my diversions inviolable.  There's a reason I'm divorced and remarried to my high-school sweetheart; there is something to be cherished about a beautiful woman who loves you, trusts you, and leaves you the hell alone.

You see, the reason Unicorns don't exist is that, by and large, men and women have different interests.  No better, no worse - just different.

It's for that reason that I realized, later in my life, that I have zero desire in being friends with women.

What?  Brent, did you just say that you don't like women?

No, that's not what I said at all.  I said I'm not running around looking to make friends with women... at least, not in the same way that I have friendships with men.

Women, by and large, aren't interested in the same things I'm interested in.  Their everyday conversation bores the shit out of me.

Look, of course I like talking to women.  But I get my needs for female companionship from my wife, my sister, my sister-in-law, and my friends' wives.  I really dig these women - smart, funny, capable, one and all ichiban.  I don't need to look for female friends outside of that.

Think about it though: you and your woman show up at a party.  You hang out together for a time, making your introductions and yak-yak-yakking away, but at some point you drift apart... and it's a sure bet you're in the backyard drinking a beer and talking to the boys and she's somewhere else, having a conversation with the women.

Men bullshit, women have conversations.

It was different when you were younger.  Some of you - many of you - are at that point, wondering as you read this where the box with my cock is hidden.  You're at a different stage of life, and whether you know it or not it's a PASS-THROUGH stage, don't stop at GO, don't collect 200 bucks.  You drift in large herds of young people, seeking out the female you can separate from the herd.

Because you're trying to get laid.  You're very, very interested in her conversation right now... and you should be.  That will pass... and it should.

You think she gives a shit what tactic you used to win your game at the store last Friday?  She's humoring you, my friend.

Moving on, Unicorns don't exist.  A Unicorn is a woman who has a man's interest in the hobby.  They're a myth.

What isn't a myth is the occasional female gamer.

Well, that's totally different - why didn't you say so in the first place?

A female gamer likes aspects of the hobby because she appreciates them from a female perspective.

She isn't you with a vag.  Sorry.  You wouldn't like her if she was.

She probably likes the painting.  She admires the art and the creativity.  She will enjoy the occasional game but she doesn't obsess over it when she's not playing.  It's a safe bet she's not on Yes The Truth Hurts arguing over the optimized Blood Angels list.  Outside of wargaming, she enjoys role-playing and would make everything Cosplay if she could.  She's not interested in 3 hour marathon kill-the-dragon games; she'd rather be in character.

(As an aside, if you haven't ever been in a role-playing game with a woman, you're missing out.  The first time I had a chick participate in a game I was running, it changed my perspective forever.  During an investigation, she wanted to know how something smelled - a question I'd literally never been asked nor thought of asking myself.  Her presence changed the game, made it something more than it ever was before.  Since then, I've always included women in a game I'm running; that alone instantly makes it more successful.)

Need I go on?  Unicorns don't exist, but female gamers do.  Be happy!  Embrace it!  Remember, Unicorns will only let virgins ride them...

...a female gamer will almost certainly have sex with you.

Rock on, awkward dude, rock on.


Herr Fernseher said...

Spot on. Except for that bit about a female gamer having sex with me. I probably hurt my chances by marrying one I guess.

Oh, and what's with using unicorns for this mythical metaphor? Why not a harpy? An alien? Or a public healthcare plan that's actually on budget?

Cuz I don't believe in those things. But I believe in unicorns!

The_King_Elessar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

Oh shit, I don't exist. Well that changes everything for me! Lol, you are right that the majority of females in the game store are just 'female gamers' but the occasional unicorn does exist. Just for the record I'm not into cosplay, I spend very little time in character on the occasion that I am Role playing, the vast majority of my models are at best primed. I've spent some time on YTTH, although i stopped going there because I like to actually play the game and find out what works myself rather than hear the masses drone on about hyper efficiency and what have you. While I have never won any tournaments I did take 6th (woo, I know) at my local hard boys and often come in the top 4 best generals at my average tournament. Keep in mind however that my primary army is my Necrons which might explain my poor record.

Thomas aka Goatboy said...

Hehehe - Brent - I married my pseudo high school sweetheart too haha. And I didn't get back into gaming until I was let go by my first wife.

Interesting article. Personally, it is the differences that make life interesting, and talking about whatever game 247 is rather dumb. I like my wife, my wife's friends and some other girls that are friends outside of the normal circle. But I would never go on and on about the nerd game that controls my extra cash heh.

Still good article. It was well written. Now if you could only get over your Jawaballs obsession. Drop the zero and get with the hero hah.

Big Whit said...

I don't know brother you may want to start stalking goat boy instead. You do like your beastmen army. Seems like good match up for you.

Brent said...


I can't give up on Jawaballs.

It doesn't matter that he's literally never acknowledged my creepy behavior, other than the odd restraining order.

What would Strictly Average be without references to successful blogs? Nothing I tell you, nothing.


The_King_Elessar said...

Brent, the address bar still displays the original title, so your edit is fruitless.

Anyway, I felt my previous comment wasn't really appropriate, and deleted it.

Instead, I'd merely like to say that I read and enjoyed this blog post.

Brent said...

King: now you're self-editing!

(Psst! I know!)

I'm pretty sure the gist of your previous comment was that you liked the post. If there was something further I missed it in the blinding light of having an actual female respond to the thread.

That made my month. Jennifer's comment made a much better few posts than it otherwise would have been.


Jenn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jennifer said...

Lol, Good to hear that I made your month. I was hoping to just make your day.

The_King_Elessar said...


I made an oblique reference to someone I know that was perhaps indiscreet.

Not an error I shall repeat. lol

(A new favorite!) Anon: I haven’t even bothered playing a game of 6th yet, cause I have read the rules, and actually understand how they interact with units. I know my armies no longer function how they should, and so I need to change them.

Strictly Average: 'cause 6-inches is all you get.

Stalking Jawaballs since 2009.

Jawaballs: "My butt just tightened up."

Brent, preferred 2-to-1 over Not Brent in a recent, scientific poll.

Brent: emptied the Kool Aid and DRINKING YOUR MILKSHAKE with an extra-long straw.

Unicorns don't exist.

Home of the Stormbuster, the Dyson Pattern Storm Raven.

I'm a comment whore and this whore is getting no play.

Not Brent hurts Brent's feelings.

I think, therefore I blog.

"You should stop writing for everyone else and worry about your crappy blog." - Anon.

Not Brent has been spotted lurking around with a green marker.

He's not like a bad guy from a cartoon, all devious but never quite evil, Not Brent is bad beans, man, bad beans.

Dethtron: "Again I feel obliged to remind you that trying to sound smart only works if you are."

MVB: "I am not one to join the unwashed masses of self-titled 40k experts out there distributing advice from their blogs about exactly how your list should be built..."

Shiner Bock on tap: that's how I choose hotels.

Strictly Average: The Home of Hugs and Gropings.

Don't feed the trolls!

MoD: "Welcome to Brent's head."

Competitive is Consistent.

Dethtron: "...you could use that extra time to figure out a way to get your panties unbunched and perform a sandectomy on your vagina."

Dethtron: “When calling someone an idiot, it's generally best to avoid making grammatical mistakes.”

Warboss Stalin: "You know, if it actually WAS funny, maybe I wouldn't mind."

Mike Brandt: "It's not a successful bachelor party if you don't misplace someone".

"The Master Manipulator (every store needs one): "...now, enough stroking."

Kirby: "I don't know about gropings. Seriously, Brent, keep it in the pants, please."

Loquacious: "No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get Hugs & Gropings or Stalks Jawaballs into Brent's little tribute."

Captain Kellen: "I rate this article a Brent on the Faith Hill to Nancy Pelosi scale!"

Drathmere: "Come for the balls, stay for the Brent? Kind of disturbing, man."

Go no further, lest thee see something thine eyes would fain look past!

Isabelle: "So, thank you for supporting your local and not so local unicorns. A noble gesture like that can show some scared kids out there that they don't have to hide from everyone and it's ok to be who they really are."

There is nothing more interesting than We The People... in all our beautiful, ugly glory!

On Internet Advice: You see, I have an almost religious belief that's it's a huge, colossal waste of time.

...I think I'll call it the Gun Shy Pattern Stormbuster, because after the Internet destroyed my first humble effort, I find I'm a bit worried about the reaction to this one.

Lauby: "Is it left over from that time you thought that you could just complete step one 12 times to meet the mandates of that court order?"

Not Brent: "I guess we'll have to read on and find out. Signed, Not Brent. Especially today."

Cynthia Davis: "I think the scrolling text is from Glen Beck's new book."

Grimaldi: "Spamming certain units creates interesting possibilities but also fatal weaknesses."

Purgatus: "Math can inform decisions. It cannot make decisions."

Thoughts? Comments? Hugs and gropings?

You'd be that much quicker to figure out what I mean when I refer to a Unicorn if I covered it in a rainbow flag.

SinSynn: (To Brent) "Curse you and your insidious influence on the internets..."

Dave G (N++): "You know you're an internet celebrity when your following is more akin to tabloids."

I prefer the term Internet Personality (or IP) myself, seeing as how I coined it.

Lauby: "Your attempt to humanize him as failed. I feel nothing but scorn for his beard - it's like a warcrime or something."

BBF: "I've always thought you are a good player but I finally figured out that you are a great player. It's hard to see sometimes because your personality is engaging, sincere and quite charming - to me that is kind of a rare combination."

'Clearly cheating?' I didn't misspeak: you jumped to conclusions. If you'd like to apologize I'll be happy to send you an autographed picture of my ass.


I thought I was doing alright before I realized I was losing.

Age and treachery beats youth and vigor every time.

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