Mr. Norris' Statline...

Herr Fernseher, the original Mr. TV himself, posted a somewhat long reply to Morbidly Obese Monkey's brilliant question, What's Chuck Norris' Stat Line? Sorry guys - I had to pass this along to the unsuspecting public. What follows was dictated to Fernseher by Mr. Norris himself...

Someone in the Blog of War finally asked a Meaningful Question.

My "modest" answer was too long for the comments form, so it has been relegated to a much smaller readership. Here are a few of my Special Rules for including Chuck Norris in your 40k army:

Important Things to Do:   Chuck Norris is a busy man, and therefore always successfully seizes the initiative. Any army including Chuck Norris will NOT deploy any units other than Chuck Norris, as all other units are superfluous and therefore a waste of Chuck's valuable time. The enemy army will (quickly) line up at a place to be determined by Chuck Norris (not Chuck Norris's "controlling player," because who but Chuck can control Chuck Norris?) and prepares themselves for an ass-kicking (or worse).

Game Breaker:  Chuck Norris is not just a Special Character; he's an EXTRA special character. He doesn't just break bones; he breaks entire games as well and therefore may not be used in standard tournament play--UNLESS he wants to be used, in which case it would be wise to view this "rule" as more of a "guideline." If two players cannot agree on this issue, roll a D6 and on a 1+, Chuck Norris gets his way. We find this is typically the least bloody, least tearful way to resolve all possible disputes involving Chuck Norris at the gaming table.

Epic Win:  Chuck Norris always wins. (Sorry to waste ink on the obvious, thus driving up the price of this codex for you, the consumer. However, Games Workshop insisted on that line for the sake of clarity. Why they started bothering with that now is a mystery, but it may have something to do with a fear of reprisal from Mr. Norris. If only Mr. Norris would condescend to be on the Board of Directors at Games Workshop, we might see some real improvement in the rules. Again, sorry about wasting all this ink, but the authors also fear reprisals from Chuck Norris. "Mr. Norris for Emperor in 2010!!!" Ok, back to the rule...)
Roll a D6 and consult the following Chuck Norris Victory Table:

1--Chuck Norris wins:  There's no shame in losing to Chuck Norris--you'll be able to tell your grandchildren someday about the day you played Chuck Norris--so shake his hand like a gentleman. Just be prepared for a few broken metacarpals.

2--Chuck Norris vanquishes you
:  Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals) AND put on a padded sumo-wrestler outfit. The extra cushioning will save your life when Chuck Norris bitch slaps you to the floor/wall. Also, prepare for a liquid diet; your jaw will take 6 months to heal.

3--Chuck Norris conquers you
:  Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), AND relinquish all minis currently in your possession. Bow and swear eternal fealty to Chuck Norris (I mean, really, why haven't we all done this already?) and finally, swear never again to command the army with which you just lost so heinously.

4--Chuck Norris dominates:  Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, AND offer to deliver a message for Chuck Norris. He will then hand you a sealed envelope and ask you to deliver it to your wife. You may not open the envelope, but know that it contains Chuck Norris's phone number and that you should probably start looking for a new place to live.

5--Chuck Norris wins absolutely:  Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, offer to deliver Mr. Norris's digits, AND show him a picture of your wife. When his eyes fall upon her image, she will become instantly pregnant. You now have the honor of raising a primarch of our age.

6--Chuck Norris's Epic Win:  Shake his hand (prepare for broken metacarpals), brace for bitch slap (prepare for broken jaw), hand over all your minis and swear both never again to command the lost army and also to serve Chuck Norris eternally, offer to deliver Mr. Norris's digits, and show him a picture of your wife. Not only is she now pregnant with his child, you are as well. You will both bear his progeny, and, inexplicably, they will be identical twins. While you may be apprehensive about the delivery (and good luck with that, by the way), be thankful. Chuck Norris just rolled a 6--the only thing saving you from a roundhouse kick to the face is the fact that you are carrying his baby!

Well, maybe I have just enough steam to go parse my comments for that other blog...



Fleahost said...

There is a 50% chance that Chuck Norris is having his way with your sister at this moment.

All of Chuck Norris' toes are big toes.

Brent said...

Mr. Norris doesn't do push-ups - he pushes the world down.

Ginge said...

Awesome post - will be sending the link to my friends!

And to continue the above trend, my personal favourite is

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals that Chuck Norris allows to live.

Evil Homer said...

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

As an aside I love Chuck Norris facts. Its one of life's secret pleasures.

Herr Fernseher said...

I love Chuck Norris facts too, Evil Homer.

Remember back when some (foolish) people called them Chuck Norris "jokes?" Man, talk about taking your life into your own hands! A person who says that isn't just putting his foot in his mouth--he's begging for Mr. Norris to put his in there too!

FYI, all you non-believers, a roundhouse kick through the teeth is Mr. Norris's prefered method of accomodating such foolish requests.

Chumbalaya said...

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting, hunting implies a chance of failure.

Chuck Norris goes killing.

Dethtron said...

I think he needs a rule called "element of surprise." after all, he did destroy the periodic table declaring that there is only one element.

also, I heard his credit card has no limit; today he maxed it out. You should work that in as well.

Herr Fernseher said...

Good ideas, Dethtron. How about...

Element of Surprise: Should Chuck Norris wish to forego immediate ass-kicking, opting instead to savor his impending victory, he may deep strike on Turn 1. Should a mishap roll be necessary, all effects are, surprisingly, applied to an enemy unit, even if that unit is already on the table. Chuck Norris may move, shoot, and assualt on the turn he deepstrikes.

Herr Fernseher said...


Unlimited Credit: Chuck Norris chooses to respect the GW limitation on characteristics, and so limits himself to claiming only 10 base attacks per turn. However, he reserves the right to "borrow" as many attacks from future turns as he pleases. As for determining how many future turns there may be (i.e., when does the game end?), the battle is over when Chuck Norris says it's over.

Herr Fernseher said...

Little-known Chuck Norris fact:

Chuck Norris does not know what a Heavy Weapon is.

Fleahost said...

You know what is under Chuck Norris' beard? Another fist...and it counts as an additional CCW!

MorbidlyObeseMonkey said...

Thanks Brent! lol Moar Twaffick!

MorbidlyObeseMonkey said...

At the beginning of the game, after the roll to sieze the initiative, the player using Chuck rolls a die. On a 4+, that player automatically wins the game. On a 1,2 or 3, the die is re-rolled.

Chuck's unit type is obviously Monstrous Creature (pretty much goes without saying).

If both players have Chuck in their armies, the risk of the universe imploding becomes dangerously high. For safety reasons, the game may not be played. Note that this result does not count as a draw, it is simply not allowed to be played.

Herr Fernseher said...

Chuck Norris vs. Chuck Norris? The thought chills the blood! My nightmare used to be Chuck Norris vs. Mr. T (would the universe survive?), but I might not even be able to sleep tonight. Thanks a lot, MOMonkey.

Depending on how the job search goes in the coming weeks, I may have to sit down and make a PDF of all the Chuck Norris 40k rules floating around out there.

And I can't wait the read the new Fantasy RB; I'm sure new ways for Mr. Norris to kick ass will present themselves.

Herr Fernseher said...

The Beard of Charles: Being the pinnacle of Mankind's achievements in the realm of facial hair (rivaled only by Mr. T as the Bearded Lady in the Movie "Freaks"), Chuck Norris's beard affords him a 2+ Invulnerable Save.

Turn the Other Cheek: Should Chuck Norris choose to show a measure of mercy and 'turn the other cheek,' the other side of The Beard of Charles affords him additional protection. Chuck Norris may reroll his Invulnerable Save. If he does so, he loses one attack in the next round of fighting.

(A new favorite!) Anon: I haven’t even bothered playing a game of 6th yet, cause I have read the rules, and actually understand how they interact with units. I know my armies no longer function how they should, and so I need to change them.

Strictly Average: 'cause 6-inches is all you get.

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Brent, preferred 2-to-1 over Not Brent in a recent, scientific poll.

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Unicorns don't exist.

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Dethtron: "Again I feel obliged to remind you that trying to sound smart only works if you are."

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Competitive is Consistent.

Dethtron: "...you could use that extra time to figure out a way to get your panties unbunched and perform a sandectomy on your vagina."

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Warboss Stalin: "You know, if it actually WAS funny, maybe I wouldn't mind."

Mike Brandt: "It's not a successful bachelor party if you don't misplace someone".

"The Master Manipulator (every store needs one): "...now, enough stroking."

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Go no further, lest thee see something thine eyes would fain look past!

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There is nothing more interesting than We The People... in all our beautiful, ugly glory!

On Internet Advice: You see, I have an almost religious belief that's it's a huge, colossal waste of time.

...I think I'll call it the Gun Shy Pattern Stormbuster, because after the Internet destroyed my first humble effort, I find I'm a bit worried about the reaction to this one.

Lauby: "Is it left over from that time you thought that you could just complete step one 12 times to meet the mandates of that court order?"

Not Brent: "I guess we'll have to read on and find out. Signed, Not Brent. Especially today."

Cynthia Davis: "I think the scrolling text is from Glen Beck's new book."

Grimaldi: "Spamming certain units creates interesting possibilities but also fatal weaknesses."

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Thoughts? Comments? Hugs and gropings?

You'd be that much quicker to figure out what I mean when I refer to a Unicorn if I covered it in a rainbow flag.

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Lauby: "Your attempt to humanize him as failed. I feel nothing but scorn for his beard - it's like a warcrime or something."

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