5.18.2010

Fiblet (for no apparent reason)

“No sir, you listen.  I said what I meant. 

“I watched that man as he chopped a woman down.

                “The woodsman had an axe.  The muscles in his back bunched on the backswing before uncoiling in explosive motion, sending the axe whipping through a controlled arc to smash against the trunk of the tree.  I stood back to avoid the explosion of woodchips. 
               
“I readily admit there was nothing unusual about this.  I myself had on occasion and despite my station taken up arms to do battle against the forest, so you see I was ill prepared for what I saw.  Frankly, it took me some small time to sort it out...
               
“…because the tree was bleeding.”

The witness pauses here a moment, pouring wine from the decanter provided.  He takes a sip then continues.

                “I can see your surprise, sirs.  Readily do I admit such labor on my part was entirely unnecessary, being as I am a gentleman of means and having servants for the mundane.  I was made to chop at wood by my father, the Elder Lord of Cohen.  He considered it character building.  But where was I?

“Yes, but it looked like sap at first, though somehow my mind knew the difference.  Blood, I say, it was blood oozing from the woody-white meat of the tree.  I backed up a step, then two. 
               
“Then the woodsman stopped to wipe his brow before looking at me and saying, with this odd, toothless smile, “Right strange sap boss, right strange."  The wretch mistook my look of horror as a permission of sorts, for he once again hefted his axe and set his stance – and I watched in horror, somehow powerless to stop him - and started chopping away once more.
               
“I took a brief step, intent on stopping this horror, but my mind rebelled, unprepared to allow me to make a fool of myself over something so obviously wrong.  The tree was not bleeding, could not possibly bleed!  I must be seeing something different my fellows could not; perhaps the light played tricks with my eyes, or perhaps the axe had slipped and cut its owner and he has yet to notice. 
               
“And then I knew I had gone insane… mad… utterly and damnably batty.  I swear to you, good sir, I swear I saw a woman,  a beauty she was, with thick hair of autumn red that flowed over her body, her naked body, covering her and protecting her virginal modesty.  The woman stood there, beseeching me!  She held her arms before her and on her lips was a plaintive, unspoken cry!  Lord help me, it was a woman in distress, I can see her distress - I can see it even now – and how can I, as a righteous man, ignore that?  The woodsman, that damnable man with his smile of rotten teeth, he could – he ignored her completely! 

 “For that animal hauled back on his axe again, swung it, and chopped off that poor woman’s leg.
               
“So gentlemen, you see, yes?  My actions were entirely honorable: I took that man’s axe and cut him down in turn.
               
“An eye for an eye.”
               
At this point, the Lord Inquisitor begins to question the witness but is interrupted.
               
“No, I know not where the woman went.  I do not see why you think it important.  She could not have wandered far.  The poor dear had but one leg.”

Transcript: Trial of Lord Novar Cohen
State v Cohen family, Murder Most Foul

8 comments:

Master Manipulator (every store needs one) said...

Put down the pipe and step away from the keyboard!

Big Whit said...

Man, and I thought that Green Blow Fly had some weird shit on his blog.

Brent said...

No! I'm hitting a (soon-to-be?) mid-life crisis, and I'll post what I want!

Boy, I hope TX gets medical marijuana soon.

Big Whit said...

That Sir was funny!

Gauthic said...

A mid life crisis before 35? strange times we live in.

Fleahost said...

Careful brother. We don't want you to go to bed at 6:30 pm and get addicted to stool softener!

The_King_Elessar said...

You're a strange chap...

mednes: This blog post...

Herr Fernseher said...

Brent, the Capote of 40k.

re: midlife crisis. Am I crazy to think, with a life expectancy of 75 years, that 25-50 is my midlife? Now seems like a perfect time for a crisis! Maybe I SHOULD buy that Titan I've had my eye on...

(A new favorite!) Anon: I haven’t even bothered playing a game of 6th yet, cause I have read the rules, and actually understand how they interact with units. I know my armies no longer function how they should, and so I need to change them.

Strictly Average: 'cause 6-inches is all you get.

Stalking Jawaballs since 2009.

Jawaballs: "My butt just tightened up."

Brent, preferred 2-to-1 over Not Brent in a recent, scientific poll.

Brent: emptied the Kool Aid and DRINKING YOUR MILKSHAKE with an extra-long straw.

Unicorns don't exist.

Home of the Stormbuster, the Dyson Pattern Storm Raven.

I'm a comment whore and this whore is getting no play.

Not Brent hurts Brent's feelings.

I think, therefore I blog.

"You should stop writing for everyone else and worry about your crappy blog." - Anon.

Not Brent has been spotted lurking around with a green marker.

He's not like a bad guy from a cartoon, all devious but never quite evil, Not Brent is bad beans, man, bad beans.

Dethtron: "Again I feel obliged to remind you that trying to sound smart only works if you are."

MVB: "I am not one to join the unwashed masses of self-titled 40k experts out there distributing advice from their blogs about exactly how your list should be built..."

Shiner Bock on tap: that's how I choose hotels.

Strictly Average: The Home of Hugs and Gropings.

Don't feed the trolls!

MoD: "Welcome to Brent's head."

Competitive is Consistent.

Dethtron: "...you could use that extra time to figure out a way to get your panties unbunched and perform a sandectomy on your vagina."

Dethtron: “When calling someone an idiot, it's generally best to avoid making grammatical mistakes.”

Warboss Stalin: "You know, if it actually WAS funny, maybe I wouldn't mind."

Mike Brandt: "It's not a successful bachelor party if you don't misplace someone".

"The Master Manipulator (every store needs one): "...now, enough stroking."

Kirby: "I don't know about gropings. Seriously, Brent, keep it in the pants, please."

Loquacious: "No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get Hugs & Gropings or Stalks Jawaballs into Brent's little tribute."

Captain Kellen: "I rate this article a Brent on the Faith Hill to Nancy Pelosi scale!"

Drathmere: "Come for the balls, stay for the Brent? Kind of disturbing, man."

Go no further, lest thee see something thine eyes would fain look past!

Isabelle: "So, thank you for supporting your local and not so local unicorns. A noble gesture like that can show some scared kids out there that they don't have to hide from everyone and it's ok to be who they really are."

There is nothing more interesting than We The People... in all our beautiful, ugly glory!

On Internet Advice: You see, I have an almost religious belief that's it's a huge, colossal waste of time.

...I think I'll call it the Gun Shy Pattern Stormbuster, because after the Internet destroyed my first humble effort, I find I'm a bit worried about the reaction to this one.

Lauby: "Is it left over from that time you thought that you could just complete step one 12 times to meet the mandates of that court order?"

Not Brent: "I guess we'll have to read on and find out. Signed, Not Brent. Especially today."

Cynthia Davis: "I think the scrolling text is from Glen Beck's new book."

Grimaldi: "Spamming certain units creates interesting possibilities but also fatal weaknesses."

Purgatus: "Math can inform decisions. It cannot make decisions."

Thoughts? Comments? Hugs and gropings?

You'd be that much quicker to figure out what I mean when I refer to a Unicorn if I covered it in a rainbow flag.

SinSynn: (To Brent) "Curse you and your insidious influence on the internets..."

Dave G (N++): "You know you're an internet celebrity when your following is more akin to tabloids."

I prefer the term Internet Personality (or IP) myself, seeing as how I coined it.

Lauby: "Your attempt to humanize him as failed. I feel nothing but scorn for his beard - it's like a warcrime or something."

BBF: "I've always thought you are a good player but I finally figured out that you are a great player. It's hard to see sometimes because your personality is engaging, sincere and quite charming - to me that is kind of a rare combination."

'Clearly cheating?' I didn't misspeak: you jumped to conclusions. If you'd like to apologize I'll be happy to send you an autographed picture of my ass.

Ass.

I thought I was doing alright before I realized I was losing.

Age and treachery beats youth and vigor every time.

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