Unicorns Don't Exist... EDITED

One day, when I was stalking Jawaballs - and yes, many of my stories start that way now, just like many of my stories used to start with, "I was drunk in a bar somewhere..." when I was in my twenties - I heard described the mythic Unicorn...



...a female of the species, with what can only be described as a genetic abnormality, for you see she liked wargames and appreciated the hobby.

Normally when a girl pretends interest in gaming, it is because she likes a boy and is desperately trying to get him to notice she has breasts.  Eventually, the boy will look up from his cards and realize she smells much nicer than the other gamers in the room, most of whom are letting loose with Sonic-value-meal-and-2-liter-Coke farts and trying to blame it on their opponent.

Yes, that's why the air smells stale in your average game store.  Hopefully you, too, are an upper-echelon geek, so such things as intercourse and personal hygiene aren't mysteries.

My ex-whore could stop the conversation cold by walking into the favorite local game store.  My current lovely wife has more sense and leaves me my diversions inviolable.  There's a reason I'm divorced and remarried to my high-school sweetheart; there is something to be cherished about a beautiful woman who loves you, trusts you, and leaves you the hell alone.

You see, the reason Unicorns don't exist is that, by and large, men and women have different interests.  No better, no worse - just different.

It's for that reason that I realized, later in my life, that I have zero desire in being friends with women.

What?  Brent, did you just say that you don't like women?

No, that's not what I said at all.  I said I'm not running around looking to make friends with women... at least, not in the same way that I have friendships with men.

Women, by and large, aren't interested in the same things I'm interested in.  Their everyday conversation bores the shit out of me.

Look, of course I like talking to women.  But I get my needs for female companionship from my wife, my sister, my sister-in-law, and my friends' wives.  I really dig these women - smart, funny, capable, one and all ichiban.  I don't need to look for female friends outside of that.

Think about it though: you and your woman show up at a party.  You hang out together for a time, making your introductions and yak-yak-yakking away, but at some point you drift apart... and it's a sure bet you're in the backyard drinking a beer and talking to the boys and she's somewhere else, having a conversation with the women.


Men bullshit, women have conversations.


It was different when you were younger.  Some of you - many of you - are at that point, wondering as you read this where the box with my cock is hidden.  You're at a different stage of life, and whether you know it or not it's a PASS-THROUGH stage, don't stop at GO, don't collect 200 bucks.  You drift in large herds of young people, seeking out the female you can separate from the herd.


Because you're trying to get laid.  You're very, very interested in her conversation right now... and you should be.  That will pass... and it should.



You think she gives a shit what tactic you used to win your game at the store last Friday?  She's humoring you, my friend.



Moving on, Unicorns don't exist.  A Unicorn is a woman who has a man's interest in the hobby.  They're a myth.


What isn't a myth is the occasional female gamer.


Well, that's totally different - why didn't you say so in the first place?


A female gamer likes aspects of the hobby because she appreciates them from a female perspective.


She isn't you with a vag.  Sorry.  You wouldn't like her if she was.


She probably likes the painting.  She admires the art and the creativity.  She will enjoy the occasional game but she doesn't obsess over it when she's not playing.  It's a safe bet she's not on Yes The Truth Hurts arguing over the optimized Blood Angels list.  Outside of wargaming, she enjoys role-playing and would make everything Cosplay if she could.  She's not interested in 3 hour marathon kill-the-dragon games; she'd rather be in character.

(As an aside, if you haven't ever been in a role-playing game with a woman, you're missing out.  The first time I had a chick participate in a game I was running, it changed my perspective forever.  During an investigation, she wanted to know how something smelled - a question I'd literally never been asked nor thought of asking myself.  Her presence changed the game, made it something more than it ever was before.  Since then, I've always included women in a game I'm running; that alone instantly makes it more successful.)


Need I go on?  Unicorns don't exist, but female gamers do.  Be happy!  Embrace it!  Remember, Unicorns will only let virgins ride them...


...a female gamer will almost certainly have sex with you.


Rock on, awkward dude, rock on.